Do you have any pain in there?

It’s time for some more quotable quotes from the route.  Sometimes it’s a laugh a minute out there.  There are all types of people in the world.  Not least of which is this one fellow who doesn’t seem to have any employment, but finds odd jobs working for different people around the neighborhood.  When the stimulus checks were coming out, he bugged me almost every day about his.  He would walk three blocks over and ask me if I would look to see if his stimulus check had come that day.  One particular day he said that he had called and they told him that it would definitely be in the mail next Tuesday.  Then he proceeded to ask me, “Hey partner, now I know they said it was gonna to be in there next Tuesday, but I was wonderin if you could look and see if it’s in there today.”  I didn’t say it out loud, but I was thinking, “Oh sure.  Even though you yourself just told me that it’s not in there today because it’s definitely going to be in there next Tuesday, I’ve got nothing better to do than to look for a check that we both know isn’t in there.  Not a problem.”


Another time he was walking toward the store with a few dollar bills in his hand.  He came up to my truck and asked me, “Hey partner, could you give me five dollars cuz I don’t want to walk all the way back to my house.  And then when you come around to deliver the mail, I’ll just hand it right back to ya.”  I gave my standard answer, “Sorry, I don’t give out money while I’m on the route.”  His quick response was, “I’m not talkin money, I’m talkin five dollars.”  So apparently five dollars isn’t money.  Anybody else confused?


Then just yesterday, he came up to the truck with a letter in his hand that had no stamp on it.  He asked me, “Hey partner, if I give you this letter today, can you mail it out tonight and then I’ll give you the 44 cent tomorrow?”  I said, “Ummm, no.”  “You can’t?”  He seemed like he was in disbelief.  Today he came out with the letter and two quarters so that I would mail it out.  I noticed that it was a very important document addressed to Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.


Earlier this week, a very nice lady on my route was commenting on the very nice weather we have been experiencing.  I mentioned that it seemed like summer had finally arrived.  We talked about how unusually cool the middle of summer had been, and now temperatures are well above average.  She agreed that the weather had been very strange this past summer.  Then she added, “I don’t know if it’s cuz they be goin up in space or what.”  I’m not sure who “they” are, and I don’t know how them going up in space affects the weather either.


The winning quote is actually a misunderstanding on my part.  As I was a approaching a two apartment house, the fellow who lives upstairs pointed at my mail satchel and asked, “Do you have any pain in there?”  I wasn’t sure if I had heard him correctly, so I said, “What was that?”  He asked another question.  This time he asked, “Do you have anything for pain?”  I thought this was very odd.  So I repeated the question back to him, “Do I have anything for pain?”  “Yes, do you have any pain, P – A – Y – N – E.”  As he spelled the word I realized that his last name is Payne and he had been asking if I had any mail for Payne, meaning, mail for apartment two.  I’m sure he’s had that happen to him before, which is why he was quick to simply spell the homonym in question.  Everyone just spell your homonyms and no one will get hurt.


Have fun and stay busy – Luke 19:13


-The Orange Mailman


P.S.  One time I had a lady complaining to me because she got so much junk mail, especially all the junk mail from Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.  After complaining to me for a couple of minutes, she then said, “Oh wait, I’ve got a letter to go out.”  She then handed me a letter entering herself in the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes. 

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